Choose-Your-Own Niche Cozy Recipe
A guide to writing cozy mysteries—reprinted from DorothyL with permission from the author, Suzanne Fleischauer. Thanks for a great laugh, Suzanne!
DO-IT-YOURSELF COZY
Instructions: Â Choose one (or more, it doesn’t really matter) from each set of {bracketed} choices.
Our heroine, {Amanda/ Nutmeg/ Kate/ Margaret Mary/ Monongahela} Tyler, an attractive and spunky [Warning: these attributes are compulsory and not subject to choice, except that 'impulsive' may be substituted for 'spunky'] {young/ 30-something/ middle-aged/ retired }woman has just moved {back to her hometown/ out of the big city/ to England/ to Indian country/ to the Arctic Circle}. She is leaving her career as a {banker/ professor/ forger/ snake handler/ nun} in order to escape {the memory of her recently failed love affair/ the hectic pressure of her profession/ the mob/ unwarranted allegations of wrongdoing/ constant reminders of that job-related incident that will be alluded to but not explained for another 150 pages}. She plans to put her old life behind her and focus on a) the true calling she had felt as a child but never pursued – {type design/ druidic rituals/ Morris dancing/ upholstery/ tying balloon animals/ training as a dominatrix} – OR – b) taking over the {craft store/ restaurant/ bookstore} she has inherited from an aged female relative she was always fond of but seldom saw.
Despite abandoning her previous means of support, she has no apparent problems making ends meet. Sadly, she does have problems fitting into her new setting and gaining acceptance from the community, thanks to {the reckless high school past she can’t live down/ her residence in the mansion that once belonged to the now-impoverished local gentry/ her father’s residence in the insane asylum/ her incredible hotness causing rampant jealousy/ the town’s antipathy to latex and-or Morris dancing/ her peculiar
name}.
Matters are further complicated by her simultaneous attraction/repulsion to Dougal MacDougal, the local {policeman/ sheriff/ priest/ jewel thief turned security consultant/ tabloid journalist/ vampire}, and by her fretting over the {availability/ appropriateness/ discomfort} of high heels. Tyler is immediately drawn to Dougal because he is unbelievably {sexy/ sexy/ sexy/ sexy} and fortunately available despite the perfection of his form. For his part, Dougal {has been nursing a longtime crush for her/ feels an improper lust for her from the moment he sees her/ seemingly rejects her and all that she stands for/ would like to see her in handcuffs/ smolders in a way that is difficult to interpret (unless he’s the vampire and out in the sun)}.
Although there has been no violent crime in the area for decades prior to her arrival, Tyler soon stumbles over a dead body in {her own home/ a snow bank/ a church/ a sweat lodge/ a trunk at a rummage sale/ a gathering of whatever group she has gotten involved with}. The body is that of {her ex-boyfriend/ the town busybody/ a local politician/ a religious leader/ a long-missing person/ a vampire (ok, in this case not actually a body-a pile of dust)}. The cause of death – {crushing in a printing press/ strangling with a balloon/choking on tiny bells/ mummification in cloth/ severe latex allergy/ puncture marks in the neck} – indicates murder most foul. {Because she discovered the body/ because she was the victim’s principal legatee/ for no particular reason}, Dougal immediately suspects {Tyler/ Tyler’s best friend/ Tyler’s close relative}, or so it seems to her, and she {fears the possible truth/resents the injustice} of Dougal’s suspicions.
Dougal cautions Tyler not to get involved. This caution has no effect whatsoever on the indignant Tyler. In her defense, she was not really paying that much attention, as she was distracted by his {icy blue eyes/ steely gray eyes/ warm chocolate brown eyes/ imagined nakedness/ ambiguous sexuality/ lack of reflection in the mirror}. So, despite her complete lack of expertise and the far superior resources and access available to law enforcement, she resolves to investigate the crime on her own. Well, not entirely on her own: she has the aid (and the matchmaking efforts) of {her black best friend/ her gay best friend/ a prostitute with a heart of gold/ an intrepid band of nuns/ a well-meaning ghost/ her hyper-intelligent feline companion/ her gigantic loyal dog who seems threatening but is aggressive only to those who are a danger to her}.
Fortunately, {her specialized knowledge/ supernatural assistance/ sheer dumb luck/ the incompetence of the police} allows Tyler to discover vital clues that have been unaccountably overlooked. She spends several paragraphs in unconvincing self-justification of her reasons for withholding this evidence: {the police wouldn’t believe her anyway/ the police can’t be trusted/ there is no need to bother anyone with what’s just a supposition/ she shouldn’t have taken the evidence in the first place so she can’t admit it now}.
As it turns out, the evidence must not actually be all that helpful, as it leads Tyler to suspect everyone in turn. There is no lack of suspects to choose from, since the victim’s {domineering personality/ habit of blackmailing/ sexual misconduct/ theft of valuable personal or intellectual property/ financial fraud} ruined numerous lives. Tyler’s snooping, although futile to her, must be meaningful to the murderer, since she discovers her {car/ home / studio/ monastic cell/ bondage dungeon} has been broken into and ransacked, and she is forced to spend the night {at her friend’s apartment/ letting Dougal sleep on the couch/ reliving the horror of her situation and eating junk food}.
Tyler is momentarily stymied – until there is a second murder, even more grotesque than the first (yet still not leaving any physical evidence of use to professional law enforcement). She finds this body while {keeping an ill-fated appointment with the victim/ blithely trespassing in someone’s home when no one answers the door/ breaking and entering with no legal consequences}. This is too much – Tyler is determined to keep the body count from rising any further.
A chance thought that occurred to the alert reader seven chapters earlier suddenly causes Tyler to ask a few last-minute questions of a {friend/ associate/ suspect/ previously unheard-of character} (rather than do something boring like go to the police). Darn it!-it’s the murderer, who quickly subdues Tyler with a {poison concoction/ whip/ set of fangs/ ceremonial athame/ vicious balloon animal/ videotape of Morris dancing championships}. In the nick of time, she is saved by a [deus ex machina of your choice].
Dougal is so relieved she is safe that he shows her sufficient {hints of interest/ anger} to allow their love/hate relationship to be dragged out over as many more books as the market will bear.
An appendix may follow with {font recommendations/ fabric swatches/ Druid rituals/ bondage tips/ a list of blood types/ a balloon}.
READER’S DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
Why are heroines allowed to have green eyes while heroes must have blue, gray, or brown?
What’s the big deal with high heels anyway?
Are the undead unnatural if they’re really good looking? Â Explain while solving a mystery.
The End
April 29, 2010
Tags: cozy, mystery Posted in: Tales of a Bookseller
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4 Responses
Way too funny (and true). Thanks for the laugh.
Signed, devoted cozy reader,
Mark
ROFL! Brilliant!
Hysterical! Not to mention accurate… Well done!
I’m so grateful to Suzanne for letting me share this but mostly for giving everyone a great reason to smile
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